


You'll See My Smile Looks Out of Place

by Cerulean_Fish



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerulean_Fish/pseuds/Cerulean_Fish
Summary: Set in Buffy Season 6. Written for the buffyversebingo card 'My Smile Looks Out of Place'
Relationships: Spike/Buffy Summers
Kudos: 5
Collections: Buffyverse Bingo - Round 1





	You'll See My Smile Looks Out of Place

Buffy woke up from a nightmare. Fire, screaming, demons pouring out of the Hellmouth. The usual. Prophetic slayer dream? Or garden variety nightmare? Who knows? Who cares? She lay in bed for a few minutes, gathering the energy for another performance of the Happy Buffy Show. 

Down in the kitchen Willow, Tara and Dawn were eating breakfast. Her feelings towards them all were a messy tangle of love and anger and guilt. Hard to reconcile the timid little Willow she'd first met with this self assured woman with her vibrant red hair and confidence edging into arrogance. She wanted to hug her. She wanted to shake her until her teeth rattled and yell 'What gave you the right?' And Dawn. She loved her like a sister. But why had the universe decided that she needed something else take care of? Wasn't life hard enough? Tara looked up at her and smiled her shy smile but there was concern in her eyes. She thought that she might be able to talk to Tara, tell her how it really was. But if she did that she might cry, and if she started crying she might never stop. Better to paste on a smile and recite a cheery greeting. 

Later it was time to patrol. Willow offered to go with her but she waved her off. "Things have been dead. I'll just wander around for a while." Dead. Get it? She could still be quippy dammit. But Willow had already turned away, off to study or spend time with Tara or whatever she did these days. Buffy made a quick circuit through a couple of cemeteries and then found herself in front of Spike's crypt. She kicked the door open. 

Spike tipped his whiskey bottle towards her in greeting. "Slayer. What brings you to my humble abode?" 

"You know why I'm here Spike." 

He stood up and closed the distance between them, reminding her of a cat slinking through the grass towards a mouse. "Here for a bit of rumpy pumpy are we?"

"Let's go." Soon he was on top of her and she had her legs wrapped around his waist and her fingers dug into his back. She'd had to be so careful in the past, with Riley and what's his name back in college. Had to watch that Slayer strength, didn't want to hurt anyone. But Spike was tough and could take a lot of punishment. And if she hurt him who cared, she'd probably stake him eventually. But in the meantime it was good to let go, to not care. Things with Spike were simple. He was just something to be used to scratch an itch. When they were finished she lay there staring at the ceiling. "I should go," she said. But she didn't move.

Spike rolled over onto one elbow and gazed down at her. "Are you okay luv?"

Oh God, she was so pathetic that _Spike_ felt sorry for her. She should punch him in the face, get up and leave without looking back. Instead she felt tears run down her face. "No," she said. "I'm really not." 

"Tell me what's going on," Spike said. "Talk to me."

"Willow thinks I should be grateful," she said bitterly. "Expects me to be thankful every day for another day on this earth. To be thankful that she yanked me out of heaven. And I am. Kind of. And I'm angry. And I feel guilty about being angry. And I can't tell her any of this because it would hurt her feelings. She'd cry and I couldn't stand it, knowing that I'd made Willow cry."

"Sod her feelings." 

Buffy wiped her tears away and gave him a weak smile. "Thanks. For listening."

"Any time." 

"I really have to go now." She got up and gathered her clothes.

Spike smirked at her. "Wouldn't want to scandalize little sis."

Buffy smiled at him, then impulsively leaned down and kissed him. It was surprisingly gentle. "See you tomorrow night?"

"I expect I'll be around." 

"It's a date then." 


End file.
